7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
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[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
I’d climb the deepest ocean for you.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
getting older means hearing an athlete’s name you haven’t heard in a while and having to google to see if it’s still him playing or if this is his son.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
I just ran a .003048K
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.