7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
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M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.