How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
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Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*