If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
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The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
never forget
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.