I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
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Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
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Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name