bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
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Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
Ugh but profoundly
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me