An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
You Might Also Like
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.