Eggs are just drums you can only play once
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If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
(more comics:
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.