Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
You Might Also Like
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.