walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
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[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”