Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
You Might Also Like
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
Still laughing at this stupid meme
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?