[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
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Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
lost dog
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
how to market bottled water to dads
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.