Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*stranded on a deserted island*

Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB

what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…

The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming

People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.

I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches

I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.

Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together

According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illness

And the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”

[1st day as a Transformer]

GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95

ME: (becomes a Decepticon)

Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”

Me: “yes”

In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”

Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face

When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.

My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends

Apparently, this is how the world ends.

Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.

I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?

No weirdos.

*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*

I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly

*at Starbucks*

7yo: can I order for you?

Me: sure!

7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!

PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat

ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course

I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.

Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.

Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.

[Snow White sees her doctor]

Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot

“Wish You Were Beer!”

Wait…no…that’s right…send.

Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC

back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today

Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.

And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows