old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
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Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
This made me smile…
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
My work here is don’t.
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?