old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
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you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
apparently this year was written by stephen king
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”