old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
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Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
You know when you tap the You Tube video to see how much longer it has left…I wish I can do that with people when they are talking to me
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
Noah was an idiot.
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Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
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A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.