Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
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Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
for all #parents out there
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”