“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
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How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.