The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
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[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
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DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
my dad has had enough
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My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes