How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
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billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
I’m an avid indoorsman.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
fair
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
No, he would not have.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.