Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
You Might Also Like
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve