What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
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Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???