Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
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shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.