@TheAlexNevil
@joeljeffrey The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
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@joeljeffrey 
@kv8 Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
@lmwortho I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
@SirEviscerate ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
@panmidwest ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
@Smooheed Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
@XplodingUnicorn Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
@goldengateblond Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
@TheCatWhisprer *whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
@Tmoney68 At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.