If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.

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The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.


Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.


I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.


ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.


ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!

MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.


Huh, this is a first

Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before

They must know


Me: What does that cloud look like to you?

3-year-old: A cloud.

Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?

3-year-old: Rain.


Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.


*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?


At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.