Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
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Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.