A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
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DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*