DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”

ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”


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[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.


Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”


My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.


Me: What are you doing?!

5-year-old: Hugging my sister.

Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.



5: The good ones do.


Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.


… Nailed it!


my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead


[job interview]

“Tell me about yourself”

*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*

I’m a risk taker


A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends


Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.