DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
You Might Also Like
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
next level snooze
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.