[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
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Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
Before crowbars crows drank alone
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5: The good ones do.
HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.