DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
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People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
Fights fire with marshmallows
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.