What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
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*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?