What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
You Might Also Like
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.