@little_hansel

What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?

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@slimmy_shady

Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.

@ChaseMit

“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”

@Mom_Overboard

Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?

Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-

Him: *running away*

Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!

@donni

DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this

@Ideal_Victoria

*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*

@estjaziah

how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????

@FillWerrell

I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.

@thatdentaldude

I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.