if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
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My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…
*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert