if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
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Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!