If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
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my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
Jesus Christ lmao
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
🤣
S/o to @funTweeters .
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies