Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
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Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
no!! no!!!!!!
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
Lol
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
Home #decor warning.
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
I only treason on days ending in y
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense