When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
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Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
This kinda thing happens to me often
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!