Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
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My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.