Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
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I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?