3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
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Me trying to walk in a dream
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian