The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
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Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
Finally!
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.