Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.

me: goo goo gah gah

marriage counselor: no.

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.

Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!

* overheard at the bar *

Becky: so what do you do?

Him: I’m a beekeeper

Ecky: you astard!!!!

If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.

No one:

My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.

(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)

I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.

I’m never using self-checkout again.

Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?

Quasimodo: I have a hunch.

Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?

How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong

Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.

It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…

I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.

Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.

Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo

Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.

Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.

Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE

Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in

I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.

“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.

Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.

[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself

There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”

Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?

Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.

I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.

Midwest trash talk

doctor: you’re going to di-

me: disney?

doctor: no

Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.

ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.

GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.

ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?

PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!

Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’

Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed

[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating