Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!

Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.

Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.

Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes

Them: Can I ask you a personal question?

Me: *bursts into flames*

I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.

As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.

Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb

Guy: *combing teeth* thanks

“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”

-Bob Ross, Mob Boss

Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.

My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.

She bought me eye drops.

Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..

Must be a communist plot.

Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.

There’s trash talk, then there’s this.

Replying “cinnamon bun?” when your friend says she has a bun in the oven is wrong. I know this now, but in my defense I was craving Cinnabon.

[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heart

My date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?

Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP

[twirls in a dress made of knives]

Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.

Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.

I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.

Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally

Me: ok

Boss: like… don’t tho

Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself

Them: you can’t handle this d…

Me:

Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?

Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night

This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.

[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*

“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”

*Hipsters clear*

6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’

4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’

Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.

me: I heard this cemetery was haunted

caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything

Dear predictive text,

I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.

Judge: How do you plead?

Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?

My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.

Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.