Pretty disgusting that Air Bud can dominate any human sport, but I join one greyhound race and get put down
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She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
Someone once threw some herbs in my eyes. It didn’t blind me but I’m now parsley sighted.
You heard.
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
making my dog give me my pills
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,