She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
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If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.