Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
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Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*