“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
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funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
Sticker placement is key.
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what