I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
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On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
an octopus is just a wet spider
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
We’ve come full circle
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle