(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
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I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
not seeing the problem
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it