Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
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After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
RT if you know someone like this!!!
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
7: so dolls weren’t invented when you were a kid either right mom?
me: for the last time it was just the INTERNET
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.