Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
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Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
Digital security in Ancient Troy
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!