The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
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I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
I was up all night reading about insomnia
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.