Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
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my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE