The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
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I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
want me to check your oil?
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.