[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
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Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
same energy
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.