[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
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Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
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“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
こいつ天才
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I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
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Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
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*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
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[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM