This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
You Might Also Like
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!