there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
You Might Also Like
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
I want what they have
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring