*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
You Might Also Like
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.