Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
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The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.