2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
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Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”