lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
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I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
hear me out : pockets for your socks
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy